Friday, February 24, 2006

Shoe reviewer

Is there such a thing as a shoe reviewer? For I'd like to sign up.

And don't tell me that it can't really be done because fit is such a subjective experience. So is movie watching and book reading, and yet there are plenty of jobs out there as book reviewers or film critics.

A shoe review that's based solely on the looks of the shoe, to me, is similar to judging a book by its cover or a movie by its poster or trailer. Sure, aesthetics are paramount--I would be the first to say it. But if the shoe is torture on your feet, what's the point? (and for all of you who think that women should just suffer in silence, nay, smiling, for the privilege of wearing $800 5" Louboutins, I say go back to your BDSM lair and find another sharp object to pierce your nipples or something).

A shoe reviewer, like a book reviewer, would receive the latest styles in her size and get to keep them. Of course, she would get to try them at various events, for various lengths of time. She would be an expert in shoe construction and would juggle terms like last, vamp, brogue, and winklepicker in the same breath. She would be able to pinpoint the pluses and minuses of the shoe, the occasions and outfits it goes with. Every once in a while she would write reviews of collections or designers and would tailor a column a month to a specific audience and purpose ("The perfect walking shoe for the 30+ year old mom.") She would be able, through the prestige of her column alone, to end the nauseating flip-flop fashion that infests all of this country's college campuses for about 75% of the year, and would relegate Uggs into the ugly cave from which they sprung in the first place. She would be able to combine style with comfort, and reveal the ugly truth about stilettoes.

In fact, she would be more like a wine or chocolate taster.

And I think she would agree with me that a woman who recommends strutting around in 4" heels as the best form of exercise has no place "designing" her own shoe collection. It comes to no surprise that 99.9% of said collections contains ugly high heels (3 3/4" minimum!), with the single exception of one slouchy horror of a pixie boot. Gah.


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